By Josh Thorn, LCSW
Therapist at Sunny Day Counseling
For a large portion of my career as a therapist, I have had the opportunity to watch families communicate. Early on, I recognized how their patterns of communication had a large impact on their family dynamics, both in the present and future. With that in mind, I want to share a few simple ways to communicate with your kids more effectively. While I will list several, I encourage you to pick one and focus on that as you implement change in your communication style.
Listening
Number one is listening. Is there anything more powerful than a listening parent? Uninterrupted listening validates kids and teenagers. When they say a word you really don’t like—just roll with it and keep on listening. You can teach them better words or euphemisms later, but when you are listening, you are doing just that. Avoid teaching and correcting in those moments. Purposeful listening helps you know what they are thinking and doing. Listen to them and their friends. Your stories are good and they need to be told, but sometimes you just need to hear their stories, which will lead you to their hearts and desires, while forming a powerful bond.
A few years ago I worked with an adolescent boy for about twelve months.We became very close and in a way I felt like a father figure to him. A few months ago, he sent me some rap music he composed. He is very talented and I love the beat of rap, but I hate misogyny, or disrespect of women, and rap is full of it. His rap also objectified women to some degree and I didn’t like that. I thought of what I could say to him about the disrespect. I quickly realized that because I love that boy and I know he respects and loves me, I just needed to listen and validate him for his work (believe me I was careful what I said so as not to reinforce the objectifying of women). He was sharing it with me for that intent; not for me to reprimand or teach him. Had I said anything negative or invalidating, he likely would have never sent me anything more and I would have damaged our relationship. Sometimes our instinct as parents is to find any opportunity to teach our child good morals and values, which is a good thing. However, if you find yourself starting to do this in every situation, stop yourself, take a step back, and listen. You won’t be perfect at it, and that is to be expected.
Another tip for listening is to dim the lights and hear what they have to say. Without making it seem odd, work toward turning the lights out all the way and just talk in the dark. You can do this in the car, at night, in the living room after a movie, or a million different ways. If you don’t like the dark, get lower than them. I suggest going into their room and lying down on the floor while they are on a chair or their bed and ask a question and just listen.
Validate
Occasionally repeat back in your own words what you are hearing them say. This is validation. Validating does not equate agreeing with them, it just lets them know that you hear them and recognize what they are saying or the emotion that goes with that. A simple phrase for this that I learned at Telos (where I work) is, “Wow, you sound excited/hurt/concerned, what happened?” Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you validated your child or not. One trick to knowing what is NOT validating, is recognizing “but” statements. For example, if I told that young man I worked with, “I liked the beat in your song, but those lyrics were filthy.” He doesn’t hear anything before the “but”. Validation would be saying “I liked the beat in your song.” Ending it there can feel awkward, but validation is a muscle that takes time and work to build.
Removing Shame
Be mindful of shameful conversations. Talk about your struggles, defeats and mistakes. Make sure it is age appropriate material (my father waited till I was 12 to tell me about his partying days). Avoid telling them how successful you were when you were their age because this can create shame and cause them to wonder internally how they could ever measure up. They already look up to you and see your successes. Avoid the word “should”, as it is a shaming word, and replace it with helping them think through their options and the positive and negative consequences for those options. Often times the child feels shame from external sources in the world, not you as a parent, but talking about shame with them and examples from your own life, can be empowering for both parent and child.
Talk about everything—sex, drugs, rock and roll. Educate them, let them educate you, and seek to be educated together. I work with adolescents and you better believe that I have the Urban Dictionary app on my phone. And I use it frequently. Most of the stuff on there is foul, but it keeps me knowing the lingo, and knowing the lingo connects the generation differences. It is all about finding ways to enter and understand their world, even if it feels uncomfortable for you.
If you want to communicate with your child, then distractions like phones/technology need to be out of sight and turned off. Kids need and WANT your undivided attention. When you truly start communicating and listening to your child, you will see dramatic change happen within your family and yourself.